Day 20 - I Had to Explain to Homestuckers Why I Don’t Kismesis

"You… remind me of my high school best friend’s boyfriend. I hated him. My best friend’s boyfriend was… a drinker. And a fiend. One afternoon… y’know what? Fuck this reference to the Dark Knight.

My high school best friend is someone I care about. She had the misfortune of dating a complete jackass for four years. He… psychologically targeted me for reasons unknown. He used my best friend as leverage to get away with borderline torture. I refer to him as my archenemy because he basically was.

Fucker threatened to rape her once. My retaliation was to pay one of my best friend’s close friends $20 to poison his booze with Benadryl. How I know she went through with it? 1) She told me the Benadryl “knocked him out cold” for several hours 2) My best friend chewed me out for risking his demise over what was apparently “a joke”. In my mind, rape is not something to joke about ever.

My high school best friend complained about how borderline abusive he was. I resisted being a smartass to her about this EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. She at least had the common sense to ditch him, but also had the batshittery to date him again. After dating two of his lackeys. I am at a loss for words to describe that part of the tale.

What’s an archenemy without a bunch of lousy peons? Peons who sucked up to me in an attempt to curry my favour to them. Note, every peon my archenemy had was male. Furthermore, I already had a hard time talking to other males from my experiences in elementary/middle school, in which I had no friends at all. High school was decent enough to not be a pain in the ass, at least. Although, my female-to-male ratio of friends was still affected by this (ratio is 9:1).

Anyway, I call him an archenemy because he and his minions were both jackasses not only to me, but to my best friend. They would (“as a joke”) have me engage in scenarios involving my best friend being trapped in one of their fancy cars’ trunks (or one of her friends). I would, on foot, chase those fuckers for ten minutes before I realized I had been punked. This happened more than once, and in each time I absconded with my rage and immense regret.

Not to mention, he sometimes choked my best friend to egg me on. Every time I tried to aid my friend, his choke would increase in magnitude. She would repeatedly insist it was a joke, much to my own chagrin. I tried not to get pissed off at her, for I cared about her and valued my bestfriendship with her. Other people also insisted this, and I wanted to expose what a scumbag this putz was. I never did.

My high school best friend’s boyfriend got signed up for soccer senior year. My HL History teacher took my class to partake in the signing, despite the fact he and one of his minions were some of the main people at this signing. I kept my cool for the other people, and even ignored the lackey. When the archenemy called, I booed as loudly as I could, and got a sheer amount of delight from my booing. Enough of my time was wasted not doing History lecture notes such that I actually cried when someone else harshly tried to tell me, “Dufe what da fuq?” when I explained why I found my History class to be more important than a stupid soccer sign-in. The bad part? People teased me about this schmuck having single-handedly ruining my day as though they treated it as a joke.

In my mind, he still lingers, going, “Why so serious, [REDACTED]? Why so serious? Let’s put a smile on that face!” It is a nightmare that none reactivate because I hole up that shit so far into my brain that only extreme circumstances trigger my sadness.

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He is also one of the many key reasons I cannot enjoy Scott Pilgrim v. the World outside of the Evil Exes, and one of the many key reasons I hate quarians in Mass Effect that aren’t named Tali or Veetor. I avoided archenemy-ing from hereon out. I root for the anti-hero because some protagonists remind me of him.”

NOTE: For those who know me IRL, if it makes you feel comfy you can read all this in a Heath Ledger-ish voice/inflection